Halloween is tomorrow and spooky things are lurking around the corner. Just when you thought it was safe to sit down at your laptop, just when you started to believe the plot was finally coming together, just as the dialog starts to flow, you look up from the screen and there they are…
STEP INSIDE AND WITNESS THE SPINE-TINGLING MADNESS OF:
Legend has it that on Halloween night, the emaciated, ghastly specter of a book critic rises from the grave and haunts writers by making it so they don’t know where to go next with their story and can’t get any words on the page. The book critic floats around your desk chanting “Oooooh! Weak plot, boring characters, two out of five staaaaaars!” thus stealing all your confidence and enthusiasm.
Unlike the Sinister Book Critic of Writer’s Block, the Evil Zombie of Dry Spells hunches over you and chews on your brain. You thought you had this writer thing down, you have the power to write tons and tons of books, you are productive! Then the zombie creeps up on you and snacks on the creative part of your brain, and you can’t even come up with so much as a shopping list. Beware!
“IT JUST DOESN’T WORK”
Deep in the woods, in the dead of night, walks the chilling figure known as Bloody Mary the Aggravating Editor. She tears apart your manuscript, tells you that your favorite character is awful and should be cut, and points out that you can’t spell. Just when you think all is safe, she comes up behind you and whispers in your ear “Maybe you should scrap this project and work on something else.”
From the depths of Hell rises Glinda the Goodreads Ghoul. She will rip apart your book and tell you in glowing, bullet-pointed detail how much all your characters suck and just weren’t fleshed out enough. All her minions will gather around cackling and agreeing with her. You will wake up in a cold sweat, glad it was just a dream…or WAS it?
Beneath the cold light of the full moon, a werewolf with fangs as sharp as razor blades and foul intentions in his twisted brain lurks in the shadows. He scratches at your back door, and when you open it, he rips your heart out: “You’re an unoriginal hack and you couldn’t tell a story to save your life. You should do the world a favor and never write again.” You fall to the floor, screaming in agony.
You finished your book! You revised and polished it until it shines. You wrote a kickass query letter. You found some agents and editors who like the kind of stuff you write. You send off your manuscript, and wait, and try to be patient, with hope in your heart, and then Halloween night comes…
The Vampires of the Publishing Houses rise from their graves. They loom over you with bloody fangs and glinting eyes. Their laughter is cruel and mocking as a fiery pit opens beneath you. As they kick you in, they utter that chilling phrase:
“Unfortunately, this doesn’t suit our needs at this time.”