The Top 10 Things People Say to Writers, and How You Should Respond

It’s Friday, so let’s have a little fun! Do you get the same weird questions over and over? Do the well-meaning people in your life ask you baffling things on a regular basis? Not sure how to respond? Well, here’s a helpful list of comebacks you can use the next time you get one of those off-the-wall questions (that is, if you enjoy being a smartass):

The Top 10 Things People Say to Writers, and How You Should Respond

  1. How come you’re still working at (day job) if you have a book published? Well, you see, it gets really boring on my yacht sometimes. I mean, I’ve visited all the tropical islands at this point, my mansions get awful lonely after all the models and celebrities go home, and I just can’t buy any more diamonds and luxury cars because it’s gotten so meaningless. So, I come here because I need SOMETHING to do.
  2. When do you find the time to write? (Weirdly, I get this question CONSTANTLY.) I will tell you a secret. After you write your first book, the head of the Great Publishers shows up at your house and gives you a potion that makes it so you never have to sleep again. That’s when we get our writing done, during the nighttime while the rest of you losers are wasting your life away sleeping.
  3. Can you show me how to write a book? Sure, pull up a chair! This should only take about an hour, two tops.
  4. I wrote a book too! Can you hook me up with your publisher? Absolutely. Every Saturday my publisher and I have a champagne brunch and I give them the unpolished manuscripts of all the writers I know who can’t be bothered to learn how to compose a query letter, construct a synopsis, or the take the time to look up and follow submission guidelines. My publisher loves it and waits breathlessly for this meeting every week. Plus you know, I’m their favorite author so they trust my judgement.
  5. Do you know (famous author)? Yes. We just got done having sex.
  6. Where do you get your ideas from? I could tell you that, but then I’d have to kill you. Hmm, there’s an idea for a story…
  7. Can you give me a free copy of your book? Sure thing. My publisher sends me crates and crates of books to give to people for free and I don’t want to make any money off my book anyway, so here you go.
  8. When is it getting made into a TV show/movie? Letting your work be turned into a movie is selling out to THE MAN, and besides, I don’t like money. See #7.
  9. Will you read/edit the book I wrote and give me suggestions on how to make it better, maybe rewrite a few scenes for me? Sure thing. Just let me look up the going rate editors/ghostwriters charge these days, and I’ll get back to you with an invoice. By the way, I only take cash, paid in full in advance.
  10. Why are you so grouchy? I’m not, life is a dream!

Got any to add?

36 thoughts on “The Top 10 Things People Say to Writers, and How You Should Respond

  1. #1 is true for every person who is trying to make a living. #5 is GOLD!

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  2. Super funny and oh-so true! Don’t forget: I have an idea for your next book. Or the doctor who told me he was going to “dash off a little children’s book” when he retired; I told him I was going to practice proctology when I retired…shut him right up:-)

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    1. Hahahaha that’s a good answer! I just loooove when people give me ideas too. Usually they’re not even in the same realm of subjects I write about!

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  3. “How are the book sales going?” Says the person who has never bought one of my books.
    “Are you still writing?”
    “Are you rich yet?”
    “Oh, I have an idea for a book… can you write it?”

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    1. I get the first two questions ALL. THE. TIME. I’m sure with the first one they’re just trying to be nice, but I only get quarterly sales reports, so…it’s really hard to answer! And to the second one, no, I decided to give it up now that I’m published–mission accomplished! *eyeroll*

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  4. I love that they think you can just do it … my sister said “when you gonna stop playing at writing?”

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    1. Psssh, you know it’s just a ‘hobby,’ come on! 😉

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  5. That was hilarious. You might have missed your calling. Do you think you can fit in a humorous book somewhere in your busy schedule? Maybe, if you write a little each night between 2:00 and 3:00 am. Thanks, and take care.

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    1. Of course! I don’t sleep obviously, so I’ll find a place to wedge that right in there. 😉

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  6. Ha, ha. That should just about finish them off. I wouldn’t treat them to lunch either. 😀 — Suzanne

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    1. LOL definitely! No lunch for you! 😉

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  7. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Here are some entertaining answers to questions that are asked of writers constantly from Author Megan Morgan’s blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m dying here. Maybe even literally, if I can’t stop laughing soon. This type of stuff is exactly why I started following your blog in the first place. I swear, if I were ever to become a famous writer (and don’t worry, I know you’re expecting #9 so I won’t be shy about asking now), those are the exact answers I would give to people. It’s as if you read my future brain waves and wrote it all out.

    People are idiots. We love them, and they have their good points, but gosh . . . I think everyone has at least one idiot gene that becomes dominant (just trust my science here) at some point in life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL I’m glad you got such a laugh out of it! 😀 PLEASE DON’T DIE. I think I should be a humor writer or something–though actually, my writing-writing is never that funny. I think I just use my blog to let all the steam out.

      Thank you SO much! I really appreciate your comments, you know! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Number four was awesome – and then I read number five. Hilarious!!!

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  10. Q: Will you write me into a story?

    A: Sure! Do you want to be the bad guy, or should I kill you?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhhh, I forgot that one! “Can I be in your story?” I’ve heard that several times before!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I should mention, my best friend IS a minor character in my Siren Song series. She’s a bad guy AND I killed her…and she freakin’ loves it! I even dedicated the third book to her and revealed it in the dedication.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Can’t think of any to add, but you’ve hit the nail on the head for most I get asked as well.

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