It’s Friday, so let’s have a little fun! Do you get the same weird questions over and over? Do the well-meaning people in your life ask you baffling things on a regular basis? Not sure how to respond? Well, here’s a helpful list of comebacks you can use the next time you get one of those off-the-wall questions (that is, if you enjoy being a smartass):
The Top 10 Things People Say to Writers, and How You Should Respond
- How come you’re still working at (day job) if you have a book published? Well, you see, it gets really boring on my yacht sometimes. I mean, I’ve visited all the tropical islands at this point, my mansions get awful lonely after all the models and celebrities go home, and I just can’t buy any more diamonds and luxury cars because it’s gotten so meaningless. So, I come here because I need SOMETHING to do.
- When do you find the time to write? (Weirdly, I get this question CONSTANTLY.) I will tell you a secret. After you write your first book, the head of the Great Publishers shows up at your house and gives you a potion that makes it so you never have to sleep again. That’s when we get our writing done, during the nighttime while the rest of you losers are wasting your life away sleeping.
- Can you show me how to write a book? Sure, pull up a chair! This should only take about an hour, two tops.
- I wrote a book too! Can you hook me up with your publisher? Absolutely. Every Saturday my publisher and I have a champagne brunch and I give them the unpolished manuscripts of all the writers I know who can’t be bothered to learn how to compose a query letter, construct a synopsis, or the take the time to look up and follow submission guidelines. My publisher loves it and waits breathlessly for this meeting every week. Plus you know, I’m their favorite author so they trust my judgement.
- Do you know (famous author)? Yes. We just got done having sex.
- Where do you get your ideas from? I could tell you that, but then I’d have to kill you. Hmm, there’s an idea for a story…
- Can you give me a free copy of your book? Sure thing. My publisher sends me crates and crates of books to give to people for free and I don’t want to make any money off my book anyway, so here you go.
- When is it getting made into a TV show/movie? Letting your work be turned into a movie is selling out to THE MAN, and besides, I don’t like money. See #7.
- Will you read/edit the book I wrote and give me suggestions on how to make it better, maybe rewrite a few scenes for me? Sure thing. Just let me look up the going rate editors/ghostwriters charge these days, and I’ll get back to you with an invoice. By the way, I only take cash, paid in full in advance.
- Why are you so grouchy? I’m not, life is a dream!
Got any to add?