For the Blogging From A to Z Challenge I’m doing you all a huge favor and filling you in on the 26 Things To Hate About Writing.** I’m hoping by the end of April, I will have convinced all of you not to indulge in the wild insanity of becoming a writer. If I can save even one person from offering themselves up in sacrifice to the mad and fickle word gods, I will have done some good in this world.
Any old person can call themselves a writer, if you want to be pedantic about it. If you write a classified ad, or a letter to your Mom, technically you’re a writer. Just being literate makes you a writer. If you write nonsensical phrases on index cards and sell them to your confused friends for a quarter, you’re a paid writer. But at this point, people who write actual stories and books are going to write you into their next book as a character who gets torn asunder by wolves. Wolves who are drawn to the sweet taste of index cards.
Writers, or authors, if you want to get snooty about it, are defined by three things: how much caffeine and/or liquor they consume in any given twenty-four hour period, how wild the look in their eyes is, and the quantity of stuff they write. Also, by the number of cats they own, sometimes. The quantity of stuff you write is what puts you over the line from literate person to person who took that innocuous skill and did unspeakable things with it. However:
– Not everything you write is gold, or silver, or even lead. Practice makes perfect. There’s always going to be a small pile of perfect next to your huge mountain of…well, you know.
– The more you write, the better you get at it. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? I don’t know, use Google Maps.
– You write tons of stuff just because it feels good to write, and hope something usable comes out of that. Writing will also make you feel really bad at times, no matter how much you churn out. It’s like the stomach flu in that way.
One of the worst things about writing is…writing. Sure, it’s great to have a huge body of work to look back on, learn from, and take pride in. It feels good to create, to produce words, and you’ll eventually discover you’ve written more than you ever expected to. But consider this: every one of those bits of writing was a TV show you could have binge-watched instead of crying because you can’t make the plot work; some spackling you could have scraped off with a putty knife instead of a character that wouldn’t cooperate; a jet engine you could have built from scratch instead of pounding your head against the wall trying to make a story work. Stop writing and go invade a country instead, it’s easier.
**Disclaimer: If you haven’t figured it out, these posts are pure satire and simply a humorous way to vent my writing frustrations. No offense is intended to anyone. Please, become or continue being a writer. It’s awesome, I swear. It’s super…duper, awesome…heh heh