For the Blogging From A to Z Challenge I’m doing you all a huge favor and filling you in on the 26 Things To Hate About Writing.** I’m hoping by the end of April, I will have convinced all of you not to indulge in the wild insanity of becoming a writer. If I can save even one person from offering themselves up in sacrifice to the mad and fickle word gods, I will have done some good in this world.
The absolute worst thing about any story, hands down, is the characters. Nothing can ruin a story faster than having characters in it. The best book ever written is a little-known title called A Tree Growing Alone In the Forest. There’s no characters, just eight hundred pages of a non-sentient tree surrounded by other non-sentient plants, just doing what trees do like turning carbon dioxide into oxygen and absorbing nutrients from the soil. No one visits it. Nothing important happens. It’s a wonderful read. The author didn’t have to tear their hair out or gnash their teeth because the tree was entirely predictable and never wavered from the plot.
Why are characters the worst? Because one of the worst things about writing is creating those idiots. Here’s what characters do:
– Half of them don’t know what their frickin’ name is and so you try to name them but nothing sounds right and I’m sorry, Sheila Rufflebottom, but I’m sending your ass into space to fight in the space war anyway.
– You want them to do something and then they do something else. They’re like cats, in that way.
– Sometimes they’re not interesting no matter how many tattoos and mommy issues you give them.
– Sometimes they don’t like each other even though they’re supposed to because they have a common unifying force, kinda like your parents meeting your in-laws.
– They’re never grateful you gave them life, they just screw up your story anyway.
Don’t write stories with characters in them. If you do, eventually you’re going to write a character who just works, who is interesting and fun and sympathetic and will be loved by your readers. You’re going to adore this character and they’re going to feel real to you. You’re going to love telling their story. They’re going to have great interaction and relationships with other characters. Is that what you want? Is that what you really want? You maniac!
**Disclaimer: If you haven’t figured it out, these posts are pure satire and simply a humorous way to vent my writing frustrations. No offense is intended to anyone. Please, become or continue being a writer. It’s awesome, I swear. It’s super…duper, awesome…heh heh.