A Is For Authors

For the Blogging From A to Z Challenge I’m doing you all a huge favor and filling you in on the 26 Things To Hate About Writing.** I’m hoping by the end of April, I will have convinced all of you not to indulge in the wild insanity of becoming a writer. If I can save even one person from offering themselves up in sacrifice to the mad and fickle word gods, I will have done some good in this world.

Check out each letter’s post here.

AUTHORS

Let’s just get this out on the table first thing. The worst thing about writing is authors. That’s right, there are actually people out there who create characters and pretend worlds, write stories about them, and attempt to get those stories published. If you think this is somehow cool or interesting, do I have a cautionary tale for you.

Many, many years ago, when I was young and naïve, do you know what I did, like some kind of crazy person? I started writing in a notebook and decided I wanted to be an author. Just a dumb kid, right? Oh, but I didn’t stop there. Eventually I used a typewriter, then a word processor, then a computer, and now I’ve written TONS of stuff and even have books published. Who is stupid enough to go that far with it? Me, apparently.

Let me tell you what being an author has created for me:

– Plot holes
– Characters who won’t cooperate
– Screaming into the night when my story won’t do what I want it to do
– Writer’s block
– Worn down keys on my keyboard
– A caffeine addiction

If you’re thinking about becoming an author, don’t. Find a more fulfilling, less frustrating job like walking unruly dogs or babysitting hyperactive two year-olds. The last thing the world needs is more authors creating rich, complex worlds and memorable characters that help people get lost in fantasy and are beloved by readers the world over. You know who does things like that? Psychos, that’s who.


**Disclaimer: If you haven’t figured it out, these posts are pure satire and simply a humorous way to vent my writing frustrations. No offense is intended to anyone. Please, become or continue being a writer. It’s awesome, I swear. It’s super…duper, awesome…heh heh.

87 thoughts on “A Is For Authors

  1. ~grin~

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  2. You rock. I’m so glad to have found this.

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  3. Megan I was seconds away from throwing in the computer when I read your disclaimer! 🙂 I will admit there are times I wonder how anyone could submit willingly tot his madness. Then I walk into a book store and the fever nearly consumes me. I want to see my books in those shelves. I like the start of your A to Z and will come back in a while when I can carve out more moments to catch up through C.

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    1. Ah, another one refuses to heed my cautionary tale! Sigh, will you guys ever learn? 😉

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sounds familiar. And I, too, started with longhand, then typewriter, but went straight on to computer – a mac Classic 2. I’m now mostly typing on my iPad, which I can carry with me, though I’m typing this on my laptop. I don’t have much trouble with characters. When they’re stuck, I have a spaceship land or the gods turn up. I once had a spaceship land in a supermarket carpark. But I currently have a novel frozen at 60,000 words. Maybe I should have a spaceship land.

    Wouldn’t miss it for worlds!

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    1. Hahaha! That’s a good idea. Next time I’m stuck, I’m bringing a spaceship in. Maybe the aliens can sort it out for me. 😉

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  5. At what point can the offering be stopped, though? When have we gone too far and are lost in the mass of “writers”? 🙂

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    1. Oh, you’ll know. *cue scary music*

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh man, I recall writing a short story for a high school English assignment and it went all over the place – ended up being like 3 pages long and I’m sure my teacher thought “WTF?” when she read it. Does that mean I’m destined to be a writer?
    Lisa / Tales from the Love Shaque

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    1. Hahaha sounds about right! 😉

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  7. Thank goodness I am only a writer. Very entertaining. I will check back for more cautionary tales I am sure to foolishly ignore. 🙂

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  8. randommusings29 April 2, 2017 — 1:12 PM

    Love this! And you’re right, we’re all crazy haha! But hey, who wants to be normal anyway 😉
    Debbie

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    1. Not me! That’s why I’m still doing this, despite my own advice. Sigh. 😉

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  9. LOL – I feel your pain! Who in their right mind would do this for a living, eh?
    Anyone who thinks characters obey the author is wrong, so, so, so wrong. They just go off and do what they like and take three chapters to get from point A to point B when it should have been a page. 🙂
    Tasha
    Tasha’s Thinkings – Shapeshifters and Werewolves

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    1. Noooo kidding! Anyone who thinks your characters will actually do what you WANT them to do hasn’t been writing long enough…

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I remember the first time I wrote a story (maybe 2nd grade?) and then I sat there with the paper in my hand, kinda stunned, wondering why on earth I did that. I remember thinking “but… it wasn’t homework…” 😀

    The Multicolored Diary: WTF – Weird Things in Folktales

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    1. LOL I was the same way in high school, always wondering why I wanted to do so much extra work!

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  11. Hehe! Great post! Writers: a bunch o’ weirdos. 😉

    Magical and Medicinal Herbs: Ash

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  12. Lol! Glad to be part of the world of writers who think alike! 🙂

    Marquessa @simplymarquessa from
    Simply Marquessa

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    1. It helps to know there’s others, doesn’t it? Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Lol! Psychos unite – I’m a budding author and this post made my day. 😀 I’ll be back through the month to see what else you’re writing about.

    I’m taking part in the A-Z challenge for the first time this year. 🙂 I’m a writer, stepping outside my comfort zone and delving into crime writing. My theme is: Secret Diary Of A Serial Killer. http://nataliewestgate.com/2017/04/anna-secret-diary-of-a-serial-killer

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    1. Awesome! Thank you so much, I hope you’ll get a laugh out of it!

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  14. Too late, I caught the writing bug when I was like 12, and I’m pretty sure there’s no cure for it. 😛

    On the other hand, I gave up years ago on getting my stuff published. I write purely for myself, because if I don’t get the words in my head out on paper (and then into my computer) I’ll go even crazier than I already am, and trust me, the world doesn’t need that. I’ve been writing mostly fanfiction the past few years (I started four new stories last year that I’m still switching back and forth between but also got an idea several years ago (like 2008…really? Has it been that long already?) for an original story, although the basic premise has been done many times before. Hopefully my own take on it will be slightly original anyway. But I can’t seem to get past the first few pages because of all the background research I need to do (it spans several centuries and no it’s not a time travel fic, the main character is immortal—I know, I know, I said it had been done before—so I want to get at least basic historical information on each century, I always strive for authenticity even if I’m the only one paying attention) so it’s taking me a while. I know basically what I want to do with it and where I want it to go, but because of the basic premise of it I want to make sure it’s as historically accurate as possible, even if I’m the only one who cares about that aspect of it.

    I’m pretty sure my addiction to writing came long before my addiction to caffeine (unless you count Coke and Mountain Dew), but the two pretty much go hand in hand now…after all, how else am I supposed to stay up all night writing, if I don’t have a ready supply of coffee and/or tea to keep me going?

    While my normal writing may not be all that original (see fanfiction comments—at least my take on the characters is slightly unique), hopefully my challenge posts will be a little more so. We’ll see, anyway. I’m trying to make everyone guess my theme for the month, at least for now, shouldn’t be too difficult depending on what types of books people read while growing up:

    LINK

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    1. Not everyone has to write to be published. Writing is a joy in itself, and if you want to write, then you write. A lot of times it’s best to do it for the love of the writing anyway, because if you focus too much on an ‘audience’ then you can really block yourself up. I think you have the right idea!

      I started out in fanfiction too! I wrote fanfiction for a very long time before I started in on my original stuff. I even continued to write it once I started working on the original stuff. It’s a great place to practice and just have fun writing without all kinds of expectations attached.

      Maybe you could start writing your historical work with the info you have now, and then go back and fill things in and fix them up after you’re done? After all, if you’re the only one reading it right now, you have plenty of time to fill in the details later.

      Good luck in your work! I’m glad you stopped by!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The problem is I really don’t *have* any historical info already, the stuff I need to know I can’t find anywhere, not online and not at my local library—things like fashion (obviously no one was wearing jeans in the 8th century, but I need to know what they *did* wear), furniture (what did they put in their houses/castles, anyway?), food (what was eaten on a regular basis, what was saved for special occasions)…see my problem? All I can find is the most general information which doesn’t help me at all, I need to be able to write about daily life things and have no idea how to find any of that information. Little things that most people probably wouldn’t notice/care about anyway, but *I* would know it wasn’t right, and it would really bug me.

        Anyway, for now I’m sticking to my fanfiction and keeping my eye out for anything that will help me with my original work. At least I don’t have to worry about worldbuilding with my fanfiction, it’s already done for me, I just get to mess with the characters’ lives and do things I think should have been done in the first place! 😛

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        1. I watch a lot of ‘historical’ TV shows and one thing I know is that a lot of show writers/authors take a lot of liberties with history and most viewers/readers don’t care as long as they’re being entertained. The thing is, no matter what the time period, PEOPLE are always the same. By that I mean our technology, clothes, furnishings, and science may change, but people since the dawn of time have laughed, cried, struggled, loved, hated, hurt, and wanted to advance themselves. That’s the meat of any story, no matter the time and place: what does your character want in life, whether they’re sitting in a castle or a high-rise penthouse? Who do they love and hate, whether they’re on a prairie or an airplane? When I was a teenager I had struggles and fears as I was recording music off the local radio station on cassette tape, and as a woman in my 40’s I have struggles and fears as I listen to digital music on my Spotify account.

          There’s lots of resources online for things like 8th century fashion and furnishings and whatnot, but if you don’t get it all absolutely correct, it’s okay. No one today was alive back then and they literally can’t tell you you’re wrong! But, what’s going on with your characters? That’s the real story.

          Fanfiction definitely had that draw for me too, that the world was ready-made and all I had to do was make sure my characterization was spot on. It’s how I learned to create my own characters!

          Liked by 2 people

    2. By the way, your blog is marked as private, it can’t be read. Just wanted to let you know!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for letting me know, I thought I’d changed that already. It’s changed now, so hopefully that helps! 😀

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  15. We on the Operation Awesome team are all a bunch of crazy authors! This post was brilliant. Thanks for the laughs!

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  16. Them pesky authors always creating new and interesting stories! The nerve. 😉

    ~Patricia Lynne aka Patricia Josephine~
    Story Dam
    Patricia Lynne, Indie Author

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    1. I know, it’s madness, isn’t it?! 😉

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  17. What a great topic. I am going to enjoy this.

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  18. loved your post ,Megan. Looking forward to reading many more asweome posts on this blog in April.

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  19. Haha! This all feels eerily familiar. I hear you on the urge to yell “it’s too late for me, save yourselves” at all new writers.

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    1. LOL indeed! Maybe someone will listen!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Don’t forget about the way time suddenly contracts like a dead spider. The more you want to write, the more your day seems to fill up with all these other “urgent” tasks that have to be done!

    Lillian Csernica Hopes & Dreams

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    1. Goodness, yes! There’s no better procrastinator than a writer, is there?

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  21. All the terrible things you mention about being a writer are totally true, though! I guess we’re a masochistic bunch.

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    1. Clearly, we are! Thanks for stopping by!

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  22. Wanna-be psycho here! Who do we think we are anyway, creating something out of nothing! The hubris! Great idea!

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    1. Tread with caution, my friend! Once you’re sucked up in the writing life, you can never be free! 😉

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  23. Definitely an A* post!

    Visiting from the A-Z and glad to be here! Worse if you try to get words to rhyme while writing…total lunatics go in for that sort of thing 🙂

    Best wishes,
    Nilanjana
    Madly-in-Verse
    Theme : Arabiana

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    1. Ha, yes! Thanks for stopping by! 😉

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  24. Is there any other career/life path that comes with as much self-doubt? Maybe lion-tamer.

    A is for Apollo 11 moon landing: Was it real?

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    1. And sometimes you can even get the lions to listen to you in that job! 😉

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  25. Nice. Maybe someone should have warned me about this years back, but I’m also glad they didn’t.

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    1. Same here, though I suppose it would have saved me from yanking out some of my hair!

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Definitely fit the bill! Psycho for sure! Damn, why couldn’t I have been a dog walker!!!!
    Love it, I’ll be back each day to see why I made the choice I did!

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    1. Ha! It seems once you get sucked into the writer life, it never lets you go…

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  27. You left out the mid-night attack of the plot bunnies, you know when ideas pop into your head and won’t let you sleep?

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    1. Oh gosh, yes! So many reasons not to become an author. Take heed, readers! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  28. How exceedingly enjoyable! As a writer and a wannabe author, I can relate to this one. 😉 Definitely glad to have found you this year 😀

    *A for Abundant: Shailaja/The Moving Quill*

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    1. Thank you! I hope you enjoy my funny little rants!

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  29. love this!
    Great theme 🙂 I’m excited to follow along as I get angry with my own writing.

    Believe In Fairy Stories – Theme – Folklore & Fairy Tales

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    1. I hope it will help you vent some frustrations! Thanks for stopping by!

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  30. So funny! I can so relate to this. However, once a writer always a writer. 🙂
    ———-
    Vinodini
    http://ifsbutsandsetcs.com

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    1. I know, it’s an impossible habit to break, isn’t it?!

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  31. Thanks for the good advice 😀

    —–
    Name: Eva
    Blog: Mail Adventures
    #AtoZ Challenge Theme: Postcards
    Letter A: Adventurers. Because any postcard is a little adventure, isn’t it?

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  32. I have a good friend who writes. Every once in a while she’ll post a facebook live where she vents her frustration about her specific characters who, as she says, “Are being complete @$$es right now” If one did not know any better and accidentally stumbled across her videos, they would think she was certifiably crazy.

    ~Mary
    #AtoZChallenge #BOTB 1970’s Billboard Hits – A is for…

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    1. Ha! See, a shining example of exactly what I mean: becoming a writer will make you crazy!

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  33. And you know what worst? There are people who arean’t even authors… but they get along with them. They read their stories and feel for their characters and so encourage these authors to do more of what they do.
    Discgraceful.

    @JazzFeathers
    The Old Shelter – 1940s Film Noir

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    1. Psssh, I know! Enablers! 😉

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  34. You missed “arguing with characters in public”… LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Or listening to your characters argue in your head in public! Aaaargh!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  35. Too late. Already an author.

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    1. Dang it! Maybe I can save someone…

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      1. You tried, but you should have gotten to me 5 years ago.

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  36. This reminds me of that Portlandia episode where they visit San Diego. “Authors! They’re the worst!” 😉

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    1. I’ve never seen it, but indeed, AUTHORS!

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  37. 😂😂 good one, Megan. Writer’s block is a major problem!

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    1. See?! I tried to warn people!

      Thank you for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  38. Ha ha! As an author whose works are completely inmy head I too face the challenge of WRITING things down…. sometimes nothing works not even my brain

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Good luck with it! Just wait until the words are on the page–I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn’t!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

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