My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…
THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.
Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.
There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.
Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.
EPILOGUE – TWO YEARS LATER
Dropsy stood on the golden sand next to the lake and admired the sunset, while rubbing her belly—hugely pregnant with her third child. Nearby, her beautiful son and daughter—Curdle and Rottweiler—played on the beach building a sandcastle. Their laughter was music to her ears. She couldn’t imagine a more perfect life. Hawk had cashed in all the stock from his feminine hygiene products company, sold off his remaining bucking broncos, and turned their cabin into a mansion. He bought her two Maseratis and built a second house just for the gorgeous wardrobe of designer clothes he’d bought her. Yes, she adored the simple, easy life of living rough in the wilderness with him, sustained only by their love and Swiss bank account.
Hawk stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. “What are you daydreaming about, my little Sea Princess?” He kept the same cute nickname for her. It reminded her that the dreadful past was over.
“Oh…just thinking about the babies.” She continued rubbing her tummy.
“Babies?” He looked over her shoulder at her. “There’s more than one? You’re having twins?” His voice went high-pitched. “Oh my God, we’re going to have to build a new wing on the house!” He grabbed her belly. “I love you, darling. Darlings.”
Dropsy giggled, joy bubbling out of her, the way water had once bubbled through her gills. “I couldn’t have asked for a happier ending.”
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?
I don’t know. She’s somehow had three pregnancies in two years and her kids are also old enough to build sandcastles, so…maybe she still has mermaid magic and it got passed to her kids so they grow hyper fast? You decide!
SADLY, THIS IS GOODBYE.
I have IMMENSELY enjoyed doing this year’s challenge and sharing my writing know-how (and no-how) with all of you. I hope you learned something, or were at least entertained. When I originally decided to do this theme I figured it would be quite a project, and I wasn’t wrong—it took a lot of thought and planning, however silly the end result is. It’s not easy to write so crappy, and then somehow turn that crap into lessons. I did have a lot of fun with it though, and even made myself laugh at times, but then maybe that’s just vanity. Or insanity. Maybe I drove myself crazy writing this.
By the way, today is my MOVING DAY! As I’ve mentioned, I’ve also been in the middle of moving house this month. As such, it may be a few days before I get to answer comments/visit blogs for the final hurrah/be online at all, but I promise I will return!
Until next year!