My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…
THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.
PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX
Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.
There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.
Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.
Annd…Action!
Hawk MacHardcastle stood on the creaking wooden pier which stretched out into the toilet bowl-freshener blue waters of Lake Latrine. His biceps bulged and glistened in the golden July sun. His mane of fiery red hair flowed and rippled on the summer breeze. His burly beard bristled like a proud sea urchin. His massive hands were clenched into fists as he focused his steel-gray gaze on the creature before him.
Hovering in mid-air, having just launched itself from the depths of the lake, a hammerhead shark levitated before him. Its razor-sharp teeth gnashed in burgeoning rage as its fins flapped out a death march. The shark swished its mighty tail and beckoned Hawk to his doom. But Hawk was not doomed—for his punch was mightier than the strike of Thor’s hammer, and he smashed down the uppity shark with one blow. It fell back into the lake with a massive splash, creating a wave like a tsunami on a Japanese beach. An agonized roar followed it to its watery grave.
Hawk drew heaving breaths, his gigantic chest expanding and deflating like a well-oiled bagpipe.
“I came here to find peace,” he rumbled out, and turned his face away. A single tear rolled town his manly cheek. “But peace will never find me.”
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?
Writers are often told to start their story with ‘action.’ This is to draw the reader in, set the tone of the story, and make someone want to read more (including whatever agent/editor you submitted it to). However, overdoing it to start things off with a kick can have the opposite effect of creating interest—making your story seem really absurd instead.
Rather than having your main character punch a levitating shark, start the story in a place where something important to your protagonist is at stake—or has just been lost. In other words, create ‘action’ that will become the reason for pushing the story forward and trying to resolve the situation your protagonist finds themselves in. Give the reader tension and conflict. This doesn’t have to be loud and boisterous, or even particularly ‘action-y,’ as long as the opening resonates emotionally. Making the reader ask “how will this get fixed?” as a hook is much better than a literal right hook.
I’ve been reading since day one (A), but here it is day seven (G), and I’m just writing to comment now.
You are talented! You have a gift! My wife hasn’t read romance novels for years (long before I met her).
She doesn’t blog, she doesn’t tweet — she seldom facebooks (her words); but when I started reading “The Worst Romance Novel,” she got curious.
So, I read it to her, off my cell phone.
“Oh, that’s bad!” She laughed. “Is there any more?”
Pandora’s Tacklebox is now our quiet entertainment at dinner. (It may not sound like much, but it is a big compliment.).
If you publish, please, reserve two copies, we will stop in for your book signing.
I hope that my attempts can at least find the bar that you have set skyward.
Sir Leprechaunrabbit 🍀🐰
@leprchaunrabbit
yourrootsareshowingdearie.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Oh, this made me laugh so much and also touched my heart! Thank you so much! 😀 I’m glad the two of you are enjoying it so much and getting so much entertainment out of it. I don’t have any plans to publish, but maybe I should put it in an ebook format and give it away from free? Hmmmm…
Thank you SO much! I hope to entertain you all the way to Z!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love you haha, this is the most genious idea ever, reading all of them now!
About starting to action, I confess it is something I enjoy but casual action, nothing crazy. //fellow challenger
LikeLike
Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it! 😀
LikeLike
OMG That was hilarious! I for real LOL’ed.
~Ninja Minion Patricia Lynne aka Patricia Josephine~
Story Dam
Patricia Lynne, Indie Author
LikeLike
LOL I’m glad! Thank you!
LikeLike
OMFG ! Why didnt I stumble upon your blog before !! Thank God I did today.. I mean what brilliance..just ..sheer brilliance ! I was knocked off my chair when two suspecting colleagues at work rolled their eyes at me.
Take a bow Megan, I am a fan now. This is undoubtedly the funniest , yet profound piece of writing I have read in recent times ! Will be following you for more “Action” !!
Would be obliged if you can pay me a visit and let me know your thoughts, would mean a lot !
@Subhmohanty from
And Life Unfolds…
A to Z Challenge 2016
A*Alone
B*Butterfly
C*Curry
LikeLike
LOL I’m glad you’re finding it so entertaining! Thanks so much for the praise! And I will definitely stop by. Thanks for visiting!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dropping by as part of the AtoZChallenge. Looking forward to reading more. I like the sound of Hawk, beard and all. Blessings Joy
LikeLike
Yes, he’s quite the manly man, isn’t he? Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I almost started crying from the blurb’s first sentence alone. You know the laughing-tears emoji? My face right then. Truly brilliant. Looking forward to this series of posts.
LikeLike
Hahaha I can imagine it! I’m glad you found it entertaining! Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Oh dear, shark-infested waters at Lake Latrine? This place is worse than I thought! 😉
LikeLike
Hahaha and it shall get worse, trust me! Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Levitating sharks! Awesome! 🙂 I’ve struggled before with putting too much action at the beginning, but not quite it that way! haha!
LikeLike
Hahaha that’s good to hear! Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Megan,
Hilarious and a great idea for the A-Z challenge. Looking forward to more of this landmark work!
LikeLike
Thank you! I fear it might be ‘landmark’ for all the wrong reasons, though. 😉
LikeLike
You had me at the toilet bowl blue waters! 😀 Eww-factored descriptions. Lake Latrine is a hook too. How not to do things indeed! Such a fun and ingenious way to show not tell! Kudos.
Best
Nilanjana.
Madly-in-Verse
LikeLike
I’m glad you enjoyed it! Lots of people seem to be getting a kick out of the water description.
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Sea urchin beard! Toilet bowl blue water!
I loved it. I felt like I was watching a romantic parody because your imagery is excellent. I am so excited for more. His manly cheek tear gave me a chuckle too. You are right. The overkill turns the piece into comedy, not a connection.
http://ffmamas.wordpress.com
LikeLike
I’m glad you enjoy the beautiful descriptions of our manly hero. 😀 Thanks for the kind words and thanks for stopping by!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will be back!
LikeLike
This is really good advice – I often find myself more drawn into a novel when it starts with something that connects me emotionally to the character(s) rather than a crazy action scene with little to no context, although your story really did make me smile 🙂
Debbie
LikeLike
I feel the same way! Give me a reason to CARE about the characters right off the bat. I’m glad you found it entertaining, though. Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Thanks! I needed a good chuckle. 🙂
Can’t wait to see what happens next to your kilt-wearing, shark punching, cowboy!
LikeLike
I’m glad you enjoyed it! And don’t worry, Hawk doesn’t need to find adventure…adventure finds him!
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
This is a brilliant idea, and I’m looking forward to seeing how badly you write this…intentionally, of course. 🙂
Andrea Lundgren
Into the Writerlea Blog
LikeLike
Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy it!
LikeLike
I knew this was going to be good as soon as I heard your theme. Loved it. Looks like the toilet bowl freshener blue really caught people’s imagination. Looking forward to tomorrow. 😀
LikeLike
Hahaha yes, that seems to have caught people’s attention. Glad you’re enjoying it. Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliant! I was totally drawn in by your enticing comment …come check out the worst romance ever written in 26 days…. it’s a train wreck but you just can’t look away!!!!
I actually found it very engaging because of your wit! look forward to reading more. 🙂 x
LikeLike
Thank you so much! I hope it continues to be funny and entertaining (and educational)!
LikeLike
Uh oh.. I’ve got to scrap the whole idea and start completely over! Great tips. Looking forward to the rest of the month!
Mary
Twitter: @KnottyMarie
Literary Gold
Jingle Jangle Jungle
LikeLike
Oh no, sorry to dash your dreams! 😉 Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Oh no. I have some rewriting to do. And here I thought the toilet bowl blue freshener was a unique image.
LikeLike
Hee hee! Well it certainly seems to be entertaining a lot of my commenters. 😀 Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
I’ll tell you what’ll stay with ME for a long time: the image of Hawk riding a bucking bronco in a kilt. …Oh, there was a shark in the story?
LikeLike
Hahahaha imagining that is…interesting. Maybe more rodeo cowboys need to ride bucking broncos in kilts, so we can decide for ourselves.
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL, what fun! I love the over the top descriptions. Too many writers think this is the right way to do things. *shakes head* 🙂
LikeLike
Sadly, you’re right. Maybe this will help steer a few away from it now! Thank you for stopping by!
LikeLike
Very nice. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
This is going to be a great series – educational and funny! I really like the idea of teaching folks how to do something by showing them how not to do it.
Cheers – Ellen | http://thecynicalsailor.blogspot.com/2016/04/a-is-for-anchor-nancy-drew-investigates.html
LikeLike
Thank you! I hope you enjoy it! And thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
I think the best writers are those who can turn their writing into a bad one – that shows skill and awareness. You definitely possess those!
I agree that action, in itself can be good or bad, it’s the stakes (+ style + character) that’ll make it worthwhile. Great post, thanks for making your point in this very entertaining way! 😉
LikeLike
Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m really hoping to be both entertaining and educational with this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you are 😉
LikeLike
LOLOLOLOL!
Punching a shark – way to go Hawk!
Good advice, though ;P
Sophie
Sophie’s Thoughts & Fumbles | Wittegen Press | FB3X
LikeLike
LOL thank you!
LikeLike
Hey, if it worked for Shakrnado for 4 movies, there is no reason it wouldn’t work for romance, right?… XD
I am really entertained by this theme 😀
Happy A to Z!
@TarkabarkaHolgy from
The Multicolored Diary
MopDog
LikeLike
Oh gosh, the Sharknado movies! Hahaha! I hope they don’t sue me for stealing their ideas. 😉
Thanks so much!
LikeLike
Ha! I went a different way with Action, but this was excellent. *snickers*
Clarice
from Clarice Creates
LikeLike
LOL thank you!
LikeLike
I actually contemplated writing a similar post for A to Z this year. But I needed to make it easy as I am packing, remodeling and moving.
Hope you enjoy the challenge and keep up the great writing.
Im A to Zing from Moondustwriter’s Blog and Fill the Cracks
LikeLike
Good luck! I agree that’s a lot to have to do and keep up with a blogging challenge as well. Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Your theme is my favorite of all the ones I’ve seen this year. I can’t wait to read each post. The “toilet bowl freshener blue waters” part about killed me. Hahahahaha! And a levitating shark. ROFL! Great job, lady.
LikeLike
I’m glad you found it funny, and I hope I can keep being funny! 😀 Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Sea urchin beards must be very uncomfortable. Also, jumping the shark this early? You’re brave!
LikeLike
Technically it’s punching it, not the same. 😉 Thanks!
LikeLike
That toilet blue color of the lake will stay with me. Darn. But after reading that truly memorable snippet, I appreciated the lessons drawn and agree the first paragraphs are crucial to setting the story and drawing the reader into your world. Sometimes I think because of Amazon’s preview, those first sentences make or break. That snippet was horribly bad. The toilet bowl water. His biceps. Glistening. Aargh!
LikeLike
I’m cracking up! I’m glad you found it hilarious (and educational). I definitely agree, the first few paragraphs of a story are what draw me in–or don’t. I’m not sure punching a shark would do that, unless of course, it was a book about how to punch sharks.
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Absolutely love the story you have set up here. I laughed out loud. Several times. Very entertaining way to illustrate your lessons.
Discarded Darlings
LikeLike
I’m glad you’re enjoying it! Thank you!
LikeLike
J here, stopping by from the #atozchallenge – where I am part of Arlee Bird’s A to Z Ambassador Team.
April is here and I’m excited about it. Best of luck to us both on meeting our goals of posting and hopping to other blogs.
My blog has a giveaway. There’s a bonus a to z challenge each day to encourage people to visit more stops.
http://jlennidornerblog.what-are-they.com
OMG. ROFLMAO. It may be a bad way to open a novel, but it’s so bad that it went right around the bend to hilarious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL glad you found it funny! Thanks for stopping by and good luck with the challenge!
LikeLike
Hahaha Great theme Morgan! Yeah, there are some real stinkers out there.
I’m exploring different types of dreams and their meanings during the #AtoZChallenge at Stephen Tremp’s Breakthrough Blogs
LikeLike
Thanks! I’ll stop by and check it out.
LikeLike
Oh, this is going to be so much fun!
LikeLike
Thank you! I hope you enjoy it!
LikeLike
I think this is my favorite idea for an A-Z theme so far! Wow, I’m going to have a hard time getting the image of that bristling sea urchin beard out of my mind now! 🙂 I look forward to reading more of your advice!
Amy Morris-Jones
LikeLike
Hahaha! I’m glad you found it amusing. Far more terrifying than the shark, I assure you!
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
What is disturbing is how much fiction like this is now flooding the market–over the top though it may be. I’m very much for self-publishing, but I wish people would do their homework and revising before hitting the publish button.
LikeLike
Loved it!! Looking forward to the rest of the posts!
I’ve started the challenge today too – I’m over on http://www.amandafleet.co.uk but my opener isn’t as hilarious as that one!
LikeLike
Thank you! I’ll stop by and check it out!
LikeLike
Thanks!
LikeLike
You know? I’ve read (especially in workshops, but not only) stories where the hook was so obviously pushed, where the writer was so obviously trying very hard, that it really put me off.
Your opening is actually quite good, compared to those openings, because at least there is a smooth flaw to it. I’ve read openings that give a punch in the first para and then just deflate, so that a read would wonder, “Mhm… so what was that all about again?”
This kind of opening really annoy me, because I feel cheated.
The levitating shark is just wonderful. How come nobody has ever thought of it before? 😉
LikeLike
I cracked up at your comment telling me this was good. Thank you! I know what you mean, though. I have a hard time getting into stories where it’s obvious the beginning is just written to razzle-dazzle. I would rather find out who the characters are and what’s at stake.
It will deflate I promise, as you’ll see tomorrow there’s absolutely no point in punching the shark other than to show how ‘manly’ he is. But isn’t that what we all dream of, a rich, handsome man who can punch sharks? 😀
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Overdoing it is a no-no. The image of a character punching a levitating shark will remain with me for a long time!
Writer In Transit
LikeLike
LOL glad I could get your morning started off right! 😉 Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Oh, I like how this AtoZ is going. I have learned to read at least 50 pages before I give up on a book because it takes that long to really understand where some books are going. Action packed books don’t really get me reading unless I care about the character.
LikeLike
I feel the same way. I don’t want non-stop action from the start, though I do want ‘something’ to be happening–and I want to get to know the characters so I can care about that something happening to them.
Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, you made me laugh – a levitating shark – LOL. Very good advice, well illustrated 🙂
Tasha
Tasha’s Thinkings | Wittegen Press | FB3X (AC)
LikeLike
Everyone needs to fight a levitating shark to start their morning! 😀 Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Very good advice about starting your story.
Wishing you all the best in the challenge. I’ll be seeing you around.
Shalom,
Patricia @ EverythingMustChange
LikeLike
Thank you, Patricia!
LikeLike